It’s been over one year since my last post. I just read it over and was initially shocked and inspired by my (if I do say so myself) well written blurb, and secondly, inspired again by my enthusiasm.
I have had a rough year. Shortly after my last post I ended things with a very significant person in my life. Romantically, emotionally, friendshiply… that isn’t a word but I have no doubt anyone reading this can relate to the word. I have had a very rough go of it these past 13 months. I haven’t felt myself in quite awhile.
I have struggled, and am still struggling, through some intense experiences. But tonight I spent an hour on my balcony chain smoking cigarettes and listening to Michael Buble’s Christmas album. I can’t explain why or what it means to me, but understand that it means a lot. Anyway, I came back inside and looked at myself in the mirror. I mean really looked at myself. I stripped down literally and LOOKED. I looked at what I saw. At 3AM in the very large, brand new and shiny apartment bathroom mirror I saw someone I do not recognize. I saw someone I have been ignoring, avoiding, eliminating, imagining wasn’t real……. Who I have become. I did not like what I saw.
10 minutes ago while looking (dissecting, picking apart, patronizing, and honestly staring in disbelief) at this person reflecting back at me, I made a decision. I have held back in so many situations in the last year PURELY because of my physical appearance and how I viewed myself and ultimately how I imagine(d) people viewed me. That isn’t what I want to do anymore. I know myself, and I understand the road ahead of me. I know I will have to continue dissecting, picking apart, patronizing and staring in disbelief at myself for awhile, but I hope in time (soooooon) that that dissection and disbelief will turn into awe, pride, inspiration and determination. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. I just need to find what I found before. It all came from within myself. I rely on no one else to get me there. I will rely on friends for support. I have a very tight knit group, all of whom know what I am going through, that can help support, inspire and help keep me on track.
This feels haphazard and that is because it is. I am drunk. I drank 2 bottles of wine and smoked nearly 10 cigarettes tonight. Not including the 3 I smoked earlier today. I have reached a point in this life I have been granted in which I want to take control of my direction and happiness.
Here is a list of my goals for the end of December:
Finish this pack of cigarettes and say goodbye to them
Attend an AA meeting with my dad
Start running again
Inquire at Golds Gym about costs/deals/just get info
Spend $0 on delivery/take-out
Prepare snacks for work
Wash my makeup off every night
Organize myself for next semester
Join a Yoga studio
Unpack all of my boxes
Walk Vinny once a day
Hang my mirror
Finish my headboard
Celebrate NYE and stop drinking after Dec 31
Write an attainable NY resolution list and put it somewhere safe
Buy a new journal
Tell him how you feel
That last one is tentative and most important, which is why it is in italics and last on the list. I’m in love with someone who I haven’t told… and I need to tell them. I need to.
This has been a very spontaneous but much needed outlet for many thoughts. I will be back soon. I need to be back soon.